


Diary Of A Sadist

by LennysDiary



Series: Diaries Inspired Works [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: #SorryNotSorry, Agnostic Character, Atheism, Atheist Character, Being Gay In A Small Town, Bondage, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Childhood Trauma, Choking, Closet Gay, Closeted Character, Consensual Kink, Consensual Non-Consent, Consensual Sex, Crack Treated Seriously, Diary/Journal, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Headbangers - Freeform, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Impact Play, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masochism, Mental Health Issues, Metalheads - Freeform, Orgasm Delay, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pseudo rape, Rape Roleplay, Recreational Drug Use, Rewrite, Rimming, Rock Music Overload, Rough Sex, Sadism, Same Story Different Demon, Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll, Two Assholes Fall In Love, Verbal Humiliation, Whipping, alternate perspective, mack's pov, revision
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:14:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28673550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LennysDiary/pseuds/LennysDiary
Summary: Ever wondered what was going on in Mack's head during the events ofDiary Of A Closet Gay? Yeah, so did everybody else. So I was happily enabled to rewrite the events of Diary, told entirely fromhisperspective, because I mean fuck if Stephanie Meyer can do that shit with Edward Cullen of Twilight, then goddamn it, so can I! Enjoy, you wonderful, beautiful assholes.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Series: Diaries Inspired Works [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101503
Comments: 24
Kudos: 10





	1. Perspective

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Diary Of A Closet Gay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18245951) by [LennysDiary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LennysDiary/pseuds/LennysDiary). 



> WARNING: This will definitely contain spoilers of the original Diary because it's the same story, just rewritten, and also it might not make sense unless you've read the original. If you haven't? Do that shit. I will love you for it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He drove me up the wall that day with the way his dark hair was slicked back away from his face and showin' off that fresh under-cut. The way that black t-shirt with bleach stains and ripped off sleeves was showin' off those wiry arms an' shit. That abundance of ink covering his right arm that alluded to the possibility of him bein’ a masochist._

Goddammit, Len.

Why the fuck are you makin' me do this shit?

You know my ass ain't no good at fuckin' writin' an' shit.

Why the in the sam hell are you...Ah fuck it, never mind.

Alright then.

I guess I’m doin’ it.

Ain’t like I could ever say no to your ass anyway.

Damn sure ain’t startin’ today.

Well I suppose all you readers are wonderin' what the fuck this is even about, aintchya. Well, see, it’s like this: people have always been curious from day one as to how _I’ve_ been feelin' and what _I’ve_ been thinkin' this whole time, and all throughout those fifty chapters of Lenny’s book about us. So his ass finally sat me down to tell y'all all about it, and gift you with a story – the _same_ story – but with a twist, givin' you _my_ perspective on things.

I can’t promise it'll be pretty though. I’m an asshole, same as Len, but I don’t sugar coat shit for people the way he does.

Nah, I tell it how it is.

So…where do I begin?

Ah, well, I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning, huh? Not just the beginning of the story, but the _very_ beginning. Because you all know quite a lot about Lenny by now, and maybe you know a little about me, but… you don’t know _everything_. You might think you do, but trust me, there’s a whole helluva lot more to me than just what’s penned to paper so far. So I guess I’ll start there. Seems as fine as any place to start.

At the beginning, and tell you a little bit about my life.

See, where we grew up is a small fuckin' town. It ain't like those big cities you read about. Hell, it’s so small, you almost can’t find it on a map. There ain’t even no interstate access. You gotta drive like forty minutes down a two lane highway off the exit ramp just to get to it. But I grew up here, in a little two bedroom single-wide trailer with my dad. And my dad? Eddie Sr?...He was an even bigger asshole than me.

He was tough on me, but I reckon he had to be, because I was no easy child to raise.

When I was about eight years old, my momma had a psychotic break. She flipped out there in the livin' room, screamin', cussin' and hollerin' about somethin', and neither my dad nor I could even figure out why. This really weren’t like her to do. See, my momma was normally the sweetest, most soft spoken woman you'd ever meet in your life. She had patience out the ass too, so when she started screamin' nonsense like that, we both got scared.

She shot out of the livin' room, darted into the bedroom, and reached for my dad's pistol in the nightstand.

Now before we go any further, there’s somethin' you oughta know about my father too. He was a rider. Now, when I say that, I don’t mean he was one of them good ole boys strappin' on his helmet an' tourin' his bike on Sunday afternoons, just for kicks. No sir. Nothin' of the sort. Dad was _real_ biker. A tried an' true one percenter. In other words, he was an outlaw, and a bona fide member of the local branch of the Pagan's motorcycle club, so that gun he kept in the nightstand of their bedroom wasn’t obtained through no legal means, I’ll tell ya that.

Bearin’ all this in mind, momma still ran in there and grabbed that Colt .45, then brought it back to the livin' room, poppin' the clip and chambering a round just like dad had showed her once, in case she ever needed to use it to protect herself. So there I was, fuckin' eight years old, starin' down the barrel of a fuckin' forty-five caliber pistol, aimed at my face. (Yep. Just like that fuckin' song. Hell, sometimes just listenin' to it triggers my psychosis.)

“Baby, what the hell are you doin’?” Eddie asked, wide-eyed, when he saw this shit.

He shot out of his chair, and meanwhile momma cried, “I can’t stand it anymore, Eddie!” That gun wavering as her hands shook. “I just can’t! I cant do it! I cant keep lookin' at this _thing_ an pretendin' he’s my son!”

“What the fuck are you talkin' about?” Eddie asked. By then he was holding out his hands, and slowly, carefully edgin' closer to us. Me…I couldn’t take my eyes off that barrel. They were glued. Honed in on the sight like a rabbit starin’ into the jaws of a wolf. “Whaddya mean ‘pretending he's your son’? Baby, he _is_ your son! Put that gun down! You're fuckin' scarin’ him!”

But momma wouldn’t listen to him. “This _ain't my son_ , Eddie!” she stubbornly persisted. “He’s a goddamned _demon_ that took his face! Can’t you see that?! Look at him! That ain’t Eddie Jr! That ain’t my baby!” She choked out a sob. “He killed my baby an' took his place!”

Now, as frightened as I was, somethin’ about what my mother said stuck out to me. My momma had never lied to me before, so I didn’t beg to question if she was lying just then, and instead I began to wonder. Was she right? Was I _not_ the real Edward James Macintosh Jr? Was I not really her and Eddie's son? Hell, I couldn’t think of any other reason my mother would point a gun at my face, if it _weren’t_ true. Lookin' back, I think I was just bein' a dumbass about the whole thing. 

Len– bless his bleedin' fuckin' heart – swears otherwise, but I really never was all that bright. 

But because of that single solitary moment of my childhood, I was forever changed, as somethin' dark and twisted really _did_ take hold of me that day. Then, and every day since. Pretty fucked up, I know.

Len says it was psychological trauma, but I still wonder…

Anyway, dad tried at first to talk mom down, but when that didn’t work, he tried _forcibly_ wrenching the gun out of her hands and was shot in the process. 

He didn’t die or nothin', but he ended up in the ICU for a couple of months, and because of dear old mom's apparent mental instability, I was temporarily put in foster care. Ended up with a shit ton of mental problems myself. I tended to be rather sadistic toward other children, on account of also havin' a stutter (as if I needed the extra trouble) so I’d find pretty fucked up ways to get even with ‘em when they poked fun at me for it.

The way I figured, hell, if I was a demon, might as well act like one. So I did. Found all kinds of ways torture kids on the playground. Thus I discovered that I very much _liked_ causing pain. Somethin’ about it triggered a part of my brain I wasn’t aware of existing, previously. And mixin' that with my father's inherited nihilistic outlook and self destructive attitude turned me into one fucked up adult. I know by now you’re probably wondering, “What the fuck does all this got to do with the story?”

Well if you’d wait just a goddamned minute, I’m gettin' to the point I’m tryna make. 

And the point is this: I’m a sadist. 

There is no avoidin' that. I know it’s pretty fucked up, but I get intense mental and physical pleasure from causing severe amounts of both physical pain as well as mental degradation, and thus the reason I’ve been single all these years. People don’t know how to handle that shit sometimes. That's not even to mention I’m over here bein' queer as Freddie fuckin' Mercury, which causes a whole helluva lot more complications in the mix.

But basically it’s like this: I’m an asshole, and I’ve very few people I can relate to.

But then there’s this _one person_ in particular that gets it.

Yep. You guessed it. Lenny Motherfuckin' Bordeaux.

He always seemed to be on my level whenever he came around. He was my kid brother's best friend in highschool, one of the only friends he had, and whenever Justin brought him around, I always felt like Lenny understood men like me. The kind of men that just weren’t fuckin' _right_ in the head, ‘cause Lenny himself was anything but. 

Always cussin', bein' a smartass, and not to mention all them damn tattoos and piercings he had, the guy just _screamed_ trouble to my senses, and it was sexy as hell.

So now that brings us around to chapter one.

Not the very beginning of our friendship – I’ll save that for later – but at least the start of the story I’m tryna tell. What I happened to see, the day everything changed. See, I always sensed that maybe he had a thing for me, but nobody knew he liked men, as he kept that shit locked up in the closet tight, right? Well, much as I hated it, I could never bring myself to confront him about it, because I was scared out of my mind that I read the signals all wrong and he didn’t really like me like that.

I worried I’d make shit weird between us as friends if I came out him.

But my brother, on the other hand, was as gay is gets really. I thought that’s why they were friends. Maybe it was a secret between them, that they only told each other. But Justin always made it so goddamn obvious with the way he started dressin' after he graduated from highschool when his mom couldn’t tell him what to wear anymore. Always wore tight ass fuckin' pants and styled his hair and shit and he just screamed, “Here and Queer,” with that stupid fuckin' in-your-face getup. 

SoI bet that I don’t need to tell you how truly uninspiring it was to finally hear him say:

“I’m gay.”

But there I was, sittin' on the recliner at my trailer, tired as hell ‘cause I worked fuckin' sixty hours that week. It was Sunday and I normally don’t roll out of bed that early, which pissed me off to hear somebody bangin' on my screen door in the first place (It was no consolation that it was my whiny ass bitch of a half-brother standin' on my porch. Only upside was knowin' that probably meant Lenny came to visit too.) And I was tryin' my hardest not to be an asshole, because I know from experience how hard it is to come out to somebody.

Thus all I had to say was, “Alright.”

I didn’t want my brother thinkin' I’m some kind of homophobic asshole, but neither did I want him knowin' I’m queer as hell too and makin' a big deal out of that shit, so I accepted his words simple enough with one of my own and a nod of the head. Then I reached to light up a cigarette. With nothin' more to input really. Contemplated makin' a pot of coffee because I hadn’t had none yet. Wondered why the fuck Lenny was still sittin' outside. Wondered if he was alright.

He wasn’t mad at me, was he? Shit. Was he pissed off at me because of somethin' I said?

Was it because of what Justin was tellin' me? 

That had to be it. If he knew Justin was comin' out to me, it would make sense. Justin comin' out meant everyone in town would know his roommate was a fag. Might start thinkin' he was one too. Damn.

Oh but then Justin drew me out of my thoughts when he snipped at me, “Alright?! That’s all you have to say to me, is alright?!” I rolled my eyes. Got this sinking feeling he _wanted_ me to have a problem with it, just so he could start shit and make look like an asshole just like his mother used to do. Goddamn devil woman. I hate her.

Jesus fuckin' Christ. “What do you want, a gold star?” I asked him. “You’re gay, good for you. So fuckin’ what. What do you want me to say? Fine, congratulations then. You’re not out getting some thirteen year old girl pregnant or somethin’.” _There now is that better, ya whiny fuckin' brat?_ I thought to myself, scowlin'.

Justin gaped at me for a second or two, then backtracked, stammering, “I–uh…No I just–like–this is a relief to me. I didn’t think you would be okay with it, but like–you are, so,” He scratched his head for a moment, “So we’re cool then, right? Like, we’re good and everything?”

Of _course_ we fuckin' were. I may have a lot of reasons to despise my brother, but bein' queer certainly wasn’t one of ‘em. If I had a problem with it, I woulda said somethin' about the fruitcake way he dressed and the dumbass bitch of a way he talked, a whole helluva lot sooner. I rolled my eyes again and said, “Look, you’re twenty-eight years old, Justin. You're a grown ass man. Do what you want. Nobody should care who you’re fuckin’… But I’m guessin' it’s Lenny, right?” 

‘Cause it couldn’t _be_ anybody else. Ain’t too many people in this town that swing that way, and as disheartening as it seemed, given my personal feelings for him, I got yet another sinking feeling in my gut. This time, that Lenny already belonged to someone else. That person bein' my kid brother. And let me tell ya, that sucked like you wouldn’t believe to imagine. But I mean… I accepted it, if it were true. I had no choice really. 

But to confirm my suspicions, Justin fumbled to say, “Uh–yeah–well. He didn’t want anybody to know.”

A frown settled over me at that. Mockin' his tone of voice and choice of words I snapped, “Uh, yeah, well, it ain’t nobody’s goddamned business.” Then I stamped my cigarette out. “I’m gonna make some coffee. You want some coffee?”

“I’ll pass,” Justin said, but all the same he followed me when I got up and headed to the kitchen. He plopped down at the counter as I started a pot of coffee nearby, and with this airy, vapid tone, he said, “I can’t believe you’re cool with this. Mom was like, definitely not. She went pretty hard on us both about the whole AIDs and HIV thing, and how homosexuality is a sin. It really upset Lenny.”

Well of _course_ it upset him. Anything Linda said would’ve pissed him off. Only guy I knew that hated her more than I do, her and her dweasel of husband, Brent.

But hearin' how upset Justin sounded and sensin' how he might be pissed off too, I used that to my advantage and took the opportune moment to run her name in the dirt.

I _know_ shit about that woman, and I bet Justin would feel ten times better if he heard it so I snorted and said, “Your born again mom seems to forget she met our dad at a party and he watched her snort a line of cocaine in the bathroom right before they had a threesome with this chick she dated in high school.” You best believe Justin’s eyebrows shot up at that. “Oh yeah,” I nodded. “Dad told me everything. Just ask her about it some time.”

“She never told me any of that stuff.”

Yeah I reckoned so. “She should’ve. I love you, kid, but you’re mom's a lying, two-faced hypocritical cunt,” I openly declared, with no remorse whatsoever, then started the coffee pot. “You hungry?” I then asked. “Tell Lenny to get his ass in here, and I’ll make you guys somethin’ to eat.”

“He won’t get out of the car,” Justin told me. “He’s too scared to. More scared than I was. Especially after I told mom about us. I couldn’t get him to come in.”

Oh hell. So _that’s_ why he hadn’t come inside yet. Wasn’t 'cause he was pissed or anything. He was just scared of me. That’s all. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ, what is the matter with you two,” I mumbled, then headed for the front door.

I saw him in the driver's seat of that beat up old Pontiac Sunfire he drove, huffin' on a cigarette like a freight train and judgin' by the way he shifted around in his seat, I could almost _bet_ his leg was bouncin' too. A quirk of his. Weren’t only ‘cause he was nervous. He’s had that tick for years, long as I’ve known him. Never knew what caused it, just knew that he did it, and whaddya know, when I flung the car door open and flopped in the passenger’s seat, then slammed the door shut, I looked over to see him doin' that shit, so violently his whole body was shakin'.

White as a ghost and lookin' at me like I truly _was_ a demon come up from hell to swallow his soul. 

For a split second felt like it again.

And for a split second I _wanted_ to be, at least the swallowin' somethin' part, because _goddamn_ this man is handsome. 

Hedrove me up the wall that day with the way his dark hair was slicked back away from his face and showin' off that fresh under-cut. The way that black t-shirt with bleach stains and ripped off sleeves was showin' off those wiry arms an' shit. That abundance of ink covering his right arm that alluded to the possibility of him bein’ a masochist. (At the time it was just wishful thinking on my part, but hell fuckin' yeah he was.)

Topped off with this cute way he fiddled with his gauges and bit his lip that I don’t think he was consciously aware of doin’.

Goddamn, man. 

Hewas drivin' me crazy sittin' over there in the driver’s seat, and for a moment all I could think about was sayin', ‘Fuck Justin, this asshole is _mine_ now', and just bendin' him over in the back seat, takin’ that fine ass prison style, and makin' Lenny Bordeaux a kept bitch that day. I mean this asshole had tortured me for nearly ten years at that point. About damned time I tortured him back, am I right?

But, well, he was scared out of his mind thinkin' I’d reject him as a friend for bein' queer, so instead of actin' on impulse, I set him straight.

“Justin told me about you two,” I said, breaking the silence, and he looked away, embarrassed. “Look, I get it,” I then conceded. “When people know personal things about you, it changes perspective, man. I get that. This ain’t like tellin' people you got a new job or some shit. This is serious. And once people know about it, that’s all they’re gonna see. People don’t care what you think, or what you want, and society fits you into this bullshit little box where you don’t want to be. Trust me, I know how you’re feelin’, man.”

I had hoped he’d maybe get the subtle hint I was droppin', so I didn’t have to come out and say it, but he said, “Look, I appreciate it, I do, but I kind of doubt that.” Then he flicked his cigarette out through the cracked window. Scowlin'. Motherfucker never smiled. Only ever had two expressions. Pissed off and total blank. I mean, unless I could somehow get him to laugh, which I did every once in a blue moon. Rarely, but I did. I sighed at the face he made, watchin' the way his eyes fell to the steerin' wheel in front of him, like it held all the answers.

“No, I do,” I assured him. “Trust me, man, I get where you’re comin’ from. And,” Alright this next part was actually kinda hard to say, “I don’t really give a fuck what you and Justin are doin’, man, so how about I just give you the standard, ‘You break my kid brother’s heart, I break your face,’ and we go inside. I’ll make you guys somethin’ to eat. Alright?” 

Myheart threatened to leap right outta my chest when I heard him snort, and _almost_ smile at that, ‘cause I had to have sounded like a putz or somethin' just now. But I smirked too, pretty proud of myself.

I’m tellin' ya, gettin' any kinda smile out of this asshole is a fuckin’ _miracle_.

He sighed though, slowly nodded his head, then finally got out of his car and followed me inside.

And there you have it.

Because I mean that was pretty much how it happened, if I recall correctly.

That was the day I found out my kid brother had been secretly datin' the love of my life for the last eight or so years.

But now you got _my_ perspective on things.

That of Eddie Macintosh, more affectionately known as Mack, a certifiable basketcase, and…well, alright maybe yeah, a touch of a hopeful romantic as well.

Y'all truly ready for what’s comin' up next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theme: ["45"–Shinedown](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=igWrHJg0kCw&feature=share)
> 
> Want to full playlist? Check out Mack's [Personal Picks](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgsKe1-pKLs-S7S0lZ6j7MzbUR9J2Nk81)!
> 
> Here's the Tumblr: [lennysdiary.tumblr.com](https://lennysdiary.tumblr.com)
> 
> Join the Discord: <https://discord.gg/wVFt8Ke5YN>


	2. Boring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Goddamn I needed to get laid._
> 
> _‘Cause I really needed to get Len outta my head._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: ["Remedy"–Seether](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=V8Ffhvjl46E&feature=share)

Well, as you can imagine, life went back to the same old boring shit after that, at least for a little while. Justin went to work that week at the call center, Len went back to work at Mike's restaurant, and me? Well I started the crew on a new job at a new location, since we’d finished up the previous house. That’s what I do for a living. Remodeling. I’m a contractor. Boring shit, ain’t it?

I wasn’t the foreman at the time, but I was trustworthy and reliable, and my boss could rest assured that I could handle everything without him breathin’ down my neck, so it was just me, an old geezer by the name of Robby Miller, and a young kid everybody called TK.

Went to highschool with Len and my brother, if I recall. I know they’re about the same age. Good kid. Kind of a punk, shaggy hair, listened to all that grunge type shit – I was pretty sure he played guitar too, but I couldn’t remember if he told me – and he smoked weed, so we snuck away from Robby a lot to roll a joint and burn one, just the two of us. TK reminded me a little bit of Len and maybe that’s why I liked him.

Except with Tee – unlike Lenny, who’s so much of an ass twenty-four seven that it almost gets to be too much to handle sometimes – he was just as polite and quiet as could be.

Sometimes it was a struggle just to get him to say two words. I tried to take it as a compliment. That he hardly talked because he respected me, and didn’t want to say the wrong shit to piss me off. But ironically it _did_ kind of piss me off though, because I prefer to hang with the type of guy I can fuck with, you know, harass and shit. The kind that’ll fire comebacks and shit if I bust his balls. 

And chillin’ out with the likes of TK, who’s a goddamned brick wall in conversation and antisocial like me, just wasn’t the same as goofin’ off with that hot headed asshole, Len. But there we were one day, hidin’ from Robby’s loud snitchin’ mouth behind the garage next to the house, smokin’ a joint, when this kid decided to ask me, “So how come you ain’t married or have no kids, man?”

You know of all the shit to ask me, he’d never asked me that before? And I wondered for a second if he was just high and out if his mind, just askin’ random shit, talkin’ out of his ass just to make conversation, or if maybe there was some ulterior motive as to why he wanted to know. I was tempted to tell him the truth that day, just to see what he’d say, but I didn’t much feel like takin' the risk of makin' shit weird with the only guy I worked with that I actually liked.

I did that a lot. Kept my mouth shut around people about bein’ queer. I mean, a couple of people did know that about me, but not many, because usually I just picked and chose who I wanted to tell, based on whether or not I felt they needed to know, and as for the rest, well, it weren’t none of their goddamned business to know. I didn’t do what my brother did when I finally came out of the closet. 

I didn’t go from door to door announcin’ that shit to the whole goddamned world. Wasn’t like I needed the attention, unlike Justin. My brother was the one that always needed that shit. Not me.

But I gave Tee a partial truth when I answered, and said, “Yeah I know. Gonna be thirty-nine this year and still ain’t been tied down.” I hit the joint one more time before I passed it to him. Held in the smoke. Then as I let it out I explained, “I don’t believe in all that marriage shit. I think it’s all bullshit really. Just the IRS tryna get more taxes outta people. All it is.”

Tee cracked a smile at that and said, “So you think marriage is, what, a government conspiracy?”

I smirked a little. “Wouldn’t surprise me… Nah man, I’m an atheist,” I shrugged, “And all marriage is to me is a piece o’ paper. I don’t reckon I need a fuckin piece of paper to spend my life with someone. I mean unless they’re dyin' in the hospital or some shit. They don’t letchya in the room unless you’re married or family. And hell, I ain’t got nobody I’m tryna make that kinda commitment with anyway.”

Nope. No one. Nobody at all. There weren’t a single guy I fucked around with over the years that actually meant enough to me to commit to like that.

It’s fuckin’ sad, I know, but I knew how fucked up I was, and knew of the rarity of people existing that might take the time to understand me. They were all fuckin’ assholes anyway. 

But then Tee said to me, “You’re an atheist?” I nodded at that. He perked up a little. “So am I,” he admitted to me, then changed the subject altogether, switchin’ to askin’ me questions like how long had I been an atheist – which was always – and if it was hard for me growin’ up outta the church when practically everybody in town is Christian and what not.

Talked my goddamned ear off about his struggle with belief and shit, if you can believe it. Opened himself right up to me that day. 

I really think he’d just been searching for somebody to connect to, as to the reason why he’d been so quiet until then. He found that through me, I guess. Bonded over mutual lack of faith in religious bullshit. We ended up having a pretty good conversation that afternoon about shit, at least until we were interrupted by Robby's ass comin’ around the corner to see what we were up to. 

I…well, I have to admit I sort of kind of got this vibe from Tee that…well, he might be queer? Just…somethin’ about the way he talked, the way he worded things. At least bare minimum made me think he was less likely to be homophobic than I initially guessed. I won’t lie, I checked him out when he wasn’t lookin’ too. Boy had a nice ass. He wasn’t really might type, but…hell, I knew what my problem was. 

Why I stared at him just a little too long that day.

My ass just needed to get laid, that was all.

Shit, maybe that would do the trick to get Len outta my head too.

* * *

So if you remember, Justin did start coming around more often after realizing I wasn’t gonna treat him no different than I always do. Especially after his mom quit talkin’ to him and Lenny both. Pretty fucked up if you ask me, that she would flat out ghost her own kid like that, and act like he didn’t even exist, like a fuckin’ hypocrite. But it didn’t really surprise me all that much?

See, Linda’s always been like that. She’ll say one thing to your face and a whole other string of bullshit behind your back. Used to do that to our dad, even after they divorced.

Spread rumors all around town about how abusive he was to her, all just ‘cause of the _one time_ he ever slapped her, and that was after _she hit him first_. I watched her do it. But she’d say anything to win people over to her side and garner sympathy whenever she was mad at Eddie Sr over somethin’. Even after they split up. She lorded custody of Justin over his head for years. All to cover for the fact that she was just a piece of shit.

Made herself out to be the victim in their marriage to hide the fact that _she_ was the problem. 

She was just a drug addict fuckin whore that would spread her legs for anyone and my father never should’ve knocked her up in the first place. 

But I couldn’t very well spout that kinda shit to my brother and make him think he never shoulda been conceived, or that I don’t appreciate havin’ him as a brother. (Often times I really don’t, but he don’t need to know that.) So I did my best to curb my tongue whenever he started comin’ over and venting to me about shit. I just tried to be happy that at least he was finally proud to consider me family.

He didn’t always. We didn’t exactly get along very well when we were younger. I had a bit of a mean streak, and I liked to play tricks on smaller kids just to fuck with ‘em. Wasn’t like I hated Justin or anything, I just really didn’t know how to act around him, and rough housin’ was always mine and dad’s way of showing affection. So the way I’d push Justin down and make him cry was all the just a game to me, ya know?

Like, I thought that’s how brothers were supposed to be. But all I was to Justin was another bully, and it made him hate my guts.

Him and Linda both, but no love lost on her part.

Growin’ up, she bad mouthed me just the same as our dad, and treated me like shit too. Was always pushin’ my buttons and sayin’ and doin’ shit just to piss me off. But to put things simply, basically Justin took her side in the divorce, not mine or dad’s. That also caused a rift between us. Even after dad died, he really didn’t want me in his life, and really only ever talked to me because he knew he’s the only family I’ve got.

Can’t say I enjoyed havin’ him around either. But now he was in my life pretty constantly again, and for once, it was for the right reasons. Not ‘cause I gave him money, nor because I could do shit for him, but simply because I accepted him the way he was, when no one else would.

But let me tell you, it was fuckin difficult. Because now that he and Len were officially “out”, Justin started flaunting their relationship in front of me whenever they came over. Wasn’t like he was doin’ it on purpose to make me jealous, not when how was he to even know I wanted to fuck his boyfriend’s brains out, but nonetheless it pissed me off to no end to have to sit there and watch him touch Lenny like that.

Wasn’t like I could say nothin’ about it, not without soundin’ like some homophobic asshole that’s gettin’ all disgusted watchin’ two men touch an’ stuff.

I was tempted to say somethin’ when I could see how much it bothered Len though. 

He wasn’t all the greatest at hidin’ that shit from me. His expression might have been blank, and maybe he just looked bored, but I could tell with how stiffly he sat hunched forward on the couch, elbows resting on his knees. With how bad he had to fight with his leg twitchin’, tryna hold that shit down with his arm, but even so it bounced so much that his whole body moved.

The way his nostrils flared whenever Justin put his hand on Len’s leg or arm. 

He was fuckin miserable.

I wondered to myself how in the hell they even made a relationship work as long as they had. I mean, my brother was an asshole. Just as selfish as could be, just like his mother. Hell, the only reason I tolerated him over the years was for our dad’s sake. I owed it to the man. But Justin always had this way of talkin’ _at_ people, that would make ‘em feel like they were worthless. Like he was so much better than they were, and how Len could stand it, I couldn’t fathom.

He also had this way of talkin’ over Len too. Would hardly let the man say two words.

 _I would never do that to ya_ , I remember thinkin’. 

But they came over every once in a while to hang out, or watch tv and shit, forcing me to sit there and watch Len in a relationship with someone else in total silence. But I bet you’re wondering _why_ I didn’t say somethin’, when I could clearly see how wrong they were for each other. Why the fuck didn’t I just speak the fuck up?

Well, I thought maybe they loved each other. Hell, they’d been friends over ten years. I wasn’t about to stand in the way of their happiness just ‘cause I was jealous and maybe they had a few bad days here and there.

I just knew they weren’t right for each other, but accepted there was nothin’ I could do about it.

Fuck, ain’t like I woulda been much better for him, or so I told myself.

But man did it piss me off to see Justin knock Lenny’s hat off after checking his phone, then saying, “Oh, we’ve got to go. We’re supposed to be meeting Samantha. And we’ve got to stop by the apartment first so you can change.”

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing now?” Len asked him, wrinklin’ that cute fuckin scowl up into somethin’ like confusion, makin’ this little crease appear on the bridge of his nose (It’s disgustingly adorable when he does that shit) and ya know, I wondered the same damn shit myself.

I mean I thought he looked pretty damned sexy in that Godsmack t-shirt with – _unsurprisingly_ – the sleeves ripped off to show off his arms, muscles flexing when he cracked his knuckles, and though his pants were baggy, with the way he was sittin’, the material was stretched kinda tight and I could see the shape of his thighs.

Plus I’d seen him wear muscle shirts, so I knew despite that cotton material, his chest and abs were pretty cut too and the fucker was so goddamn fine he could make anything look sexy. Even his stupid fuckin’ work uniform. 

I also couldn’t see what interest Justin could have in showin’ off his boyfriend to some lesbian chick.

Weren’t like Sam was tryna fuck him, am I right? So what the hell, Justin.

But he snipped at Lenny with, “Uh, you look like a slob?” And that’s when he knocked his fuckin’ hat off and started fuckin’ with his hair. I wanted to fuckin’ pummel his ass in the dirt when I saw him primp Lenny like some kinda little kid and Justin bein’ his mom or some shit. “And I think maybe we should do something with your hair too because, ugh. I mean this is just–”

Len shrank away from Justin fussin’ over him and snatched his hat up, puttin’ it back on his head – backwards, the way he always wears it. Lookin’ embarrassed as hell to be treated that way, and my heart went out to him. “Alright man, I guess we’ll catch you later,” he said to me, slowly risin’ from his spot on the couch and Justin, after ruffling his own hair with his breath in a sigh, followed suit.

“Yep,” was all I could manage, as I was still gripping the armrests of my chair somethin’ fierce, and I didn’t wanna start trouble by runnin’ my goddamned mouth about shit that weren’t really supposed to be any of my business. I watched them both leave out the door of my trailer, then sighed when they were gone, lettin’ my head fall back against the chair.

Goddamn I needed to get laid.

‘Cause I really needed to get Len outta my head.

* * *

So I went out with a guy I met on Grindr. 

Yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’. 

“What in the hell are you doin’ hookin’ up with some strange piece of ass ya met on some dating app?”

Tryna get the fuck over Len, goddammit.

Ain’t the first time I’ve hooked up with people I met online. I’ve done it many a time in recent years when I just couldn’t take using my hand one more goddamned time and needed somethin’ with a pulse. Used to go to gay bars every once in a blue moon, but it’s harder to get to know someone in a place like that, and especially difficult if you’re like me and what you find appealing in the bedroom just ain’t average. 

Easier to be upfront with people, tell ‘em what I’m into, then see how fast they block me, than to do that shit in person.

I’ve actually found quite a few men over the years that like it pretty rough, but they’re almost always into that Dom/sub bullshit, which I ain’t, and if you don’t know what the fuck that is, fuck just google it. Anyway, I went out that night with some guy named Eric and _immediately_ regretted it, because in person, he kinda reminded me of my brother.

He’d said he was more comfortable with gettin’ to know somebody a little before jumpin’ right in bed with ‘em, which I’m fine with, and so we went to dinner at some restaurant he picked.

(Another reason I’m single: havin’ to drive two fuckin hours to some restaurant just to meet a guy.)

He talked a lot, and it’s not that I don’t mind conversation, it was just boring, that’s all. Had about as much depth as a kiddy pool, and I know I’m not much of a catch, what with bein’ a dumb fuckin’ country boy from the sticks that does carpentry for a livin’, but that don’t mean I can’t enjoy art and poetry, or read philosophy and listen to classical shit, same as anyone else. But ya wanna know what Eric wanted to talk about?

Well, he wanted to show me all the pictures he posted to Instagram from his last vacation. He was into that whole “backpacking abroad” shit.

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and just blurted, “I’ll just be honest, I don’t really give a flyin’ fuck about any of that shit.” Made his mouth hang wide open in shock at me.

“Rude,” he quipped, slipping his phone back in his pocket.

“Look, I like you,” I lied, “But I really ain’t interested in your life. I’m sorry. This whole conversation is about as engagin’ as a golf tournament to a UFC fighter. I’m just not into it.” I shrugged after all that like, ‘What can I say?’

Luckily he sighed and said, “Yeah I kind of got that vibe too, like, that we don’t really click? So I get what you mean.”

“Well…alright then.”

I was just about to get up from the table, reach in my pocket to shell out some cash for the food, when he reached for my hand across the table, and after glancin’ around, murmured, “Though sex is still on the table, right?” Lookin’ all hopeful when he said that. 

I sighed a little and said, “Yeah alright.”

Then, after paying for the food, I followed him back to his place in my truck. We negotiated some shit before we just jumped right into it. Then we got into it.

The sex was just as boring though. I admitted to liking it kinda rough, and so did he, but as we didn’t know each other all that well, I didn’t go too in depth about what I liked when we talked it over. I certainly didn’t admit to bein’ a total basketcase and a fuckin’ sadist, and I didn’t take it that far. To top shit off, I still didn’t get over Len that night either.

Why? ‘Cause my ass started picturin’ him just to get off. Fantasized about _Len_ the whole time.

Thought about all the things I’d say and do to him if I ever got the chance. If he’d let me. Thought about how I’d take him from behind, fuck him so hard he cried and begged me to stop. Maybe choke the shit out of him while I’m at it. Or yank that head back and tear into his neck with my teeth – maybe not bite him hard enough to make him bleed, but just hard enough that I left teeth marks in his skin for _days_ afterwards.

Feel him come on my dick screamin’ my name.

It was hearin’ his voice in my head, beggin’ me to come, that did it for me.

Certainly wasn’t the asshole I was currently with.

Goddamn my life was boring as hell.

Surely there had to be some better way of livin’ than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theme: ["45"–Shinedown](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=igWrHJg0kCw&feature=share)
> 
> Want to full playlist? Check out Mack's [Personal Picks](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgsKe1-pKLs-S7S0lZ6j7MzbUR9J2Nk81)!
> 
> Here's the Tumblr: [lennysdiary.tumblr.com](https://lennysdiary.tumblr.com)
> 
> Join the Discord: <https://discord.gg/wVFt8Ke5YN>


	3. Twitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I was gonna say no and just stay home that night, but then Andy said to me, “Yo, Twitch is gonna be there,” and I swear I shot out of my chair so fuckin’ fast I nearly passed out from the head rush. Twitch. Goddamn fuckin’ Twitch. The goddamned bane of my existence that I could never once catch alone out on the street._
> 
> _And his ass was finally gonna be there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: ["Come Together"–Godsmack](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=YvrhqftOGiE&feature=share)

My weekend started to look up when I got invited to a house party by one of my handful of close friends. Andy. Another asshole that went to school with my brother, that I’ve known for years ‘cause his dad is like an uncle to me. Smoke knew Eddie Sr since way back when. A little known fact that most don’t remember nowadays is that Smoke was a Pagan too.

That’s how he met my dad. They both rode together, dealin’ guns and drugs to locals, but Smoke got out of that shit after him and my dad lost a close friend by the name of Malcolm. 

They were thicker than blood, him, my dad and Malcolm, or so my dad said. Like the Three Amigos or some shit. But Malcolm was a prospect for the club, and drug dealin’ was what killed him and his girlfriend. Smoke was never quite the same after losin’ him, and he just couldn’t bring himself to have the same love and respect for the club that he did when he first joined, not after that happened.

Hurt him so bad he refused to ever even make mention of Malcolm, on account of how bad the circumstances had been.

He’d shot somebody.

Killed ‘em too.

Pretty fucked up shit.

Smoke only ever said his name once, that I recall. We’d been lookin’ at old photos after dad died, just reminiscing and shit, when I seen this one old photo in the album of Smoke, my dad, and a third guy. Asked him who it was. “That’s Malcolm,” he said, and when I asked who Malcolm was, he just said, “Dead and in the past, man. Right where he should stay buried.”

So I never brought it up again. My dad had already told me all about the awful shit Malcolm had done because he was a junky piece of shit, all because of the Pagans. So I didn’t need to hear more.

But I remember thinkin’ he looked real fuckin’ familiar for some reason.

Like I’d seen him somewhere.

Anyhow, Smoke’s son called me up that weekend and asked if I wanted to come out to the house. Woke me up when he called. 

I fell asleep in my chair, passed out in it after work, and I was still tired – still kinda depressed too – so I was gonna say no and just stay home that night, but then he said to me, “Yo, Twitch is gonna be there,” and I swear I shot out of my chair so fuckin’ fast I nearly passed out from the head rush. Twitch. Goddamn fuckin’ Twitch. The goddamned bane of my existence that I could never once catch alone out on the street.

And his ass was _finally_ gonna be there.

“Hell yeah I’ll be there then,” I rushed to say, excitedly, catchin’ the tail end of Andy’s chuckle as I hung up.

He knew I was obsessed with that asshole. Had been for years. I was always hearin’ stories about him from people. Just about every time I stopped by to get some weed off Smoke and sat there and burned one with ‘em, Andy would have a new story to tell about Twitch and the fucked up shit he did at his parties. Guy was a real fuckin’ psycho, from what I heard. 

It wasn’t a party at Andy’s if Twitch wasn’t there, fuckin’ shit up.

But the problem was, I could never catch him. Never ran into him. Only ever heard about him. More often than not, I worked weekends too, or was just too goddamned tired after work to party like I used to, so I was never at Smoke's house whenever he came around.

But I was always hearin’ about how he fucked somebody up or busted a window or somethin’, and one time he damned near put somebody through a wall. But before you go thinkin’ I hate this guy, don’t get it twisted. I didn’t despise him or nothin’. Wasn’t like that at all.

Actually I had mad _respect_ for Twitch. That’s why I was so obsessed with him. Also the reason why I was so bound and determined to fuck his ass up. I can’t explain why, really, other than it was just somethin’ I felt I had to do. Go toe to toe with his ass in a fist fight and see which one of us came out on top. See if he was really the tough shit Andy made his ass out to be. 

See if he could handle a few rounds in the ring, so to speak, with the likes of me. Because I’ve never lost a fist fight, and I wondered if a psycho like Twitch might actually have what it takes. If an asshole like Twitch could be the one to finally put my ass face down in the dirt.

And I knew better than to think anybody would call the cops on us for fightin’ out at Smoke's house. Ninety percent of the people we party with all do drugs and whatnot, and ain’t none of ‘em like having cops around. That night, it looked like I’d finally meet the ghost I’d been chasin’ all this time. So you bet your ass I was fuckin’ wired for sound, leaving the house that night. 

I didn’t even bother changing my clothes. Still had on work clothes and shit when I started my truck. Practically shakin’ with all this newfound energy at the prospect of layin’ into Twitch’s ass at some point during the night. Because I mean, like I said, I like hurtin’ people, and if I can’t do that shit in bed with a guy, well then I’ll just get my kicks fuckin’ up some asshole at a party instead.

Beat the hell out of stayin’ home and mopin’ all weekend, fuckin’ pinin’ for Len. So I traded one obsession for another that night, and pulled into Smoke’s driveway ready to raise hell, kick ass, and take some names. Andy could tell from where he stood on the porch, watchin’ me pull in.

I hopped out of my truck and slammed the door shut, then plucked the unlit cigarette from my mouth to say, “What’s goin’ on, man.” I started making my way up to the porch, slapping Andy with a handshake when I was in arms reach. Same one as always, where we’d just kinda slap hands together then bump fists. Looked Andy over as I lit up my cigarette.

Boy just didn’t rightly fit in our world sometimes. Always on that new age shit. Acted so much like a city boy sometimes, you’d swear he really was from outta state. Always wore a flat billed hat cocked sideways on his blond head, and Tapout apparel and shit, lookin’ like some kinda Machine Gun Kelly wannabe.

“He here yet?” I asked, and watched him shake his head. “Damn.”

“Man your ass is fuckin _pumped_ ,” he said. “You really wanna fuck him up, dontchyou.”

“Fuck yeah I do,” I said.

I breezed past Andy, into the house and he followed me.

“Man, are you _sure_ you wanna pick a fight with him? ‘Cause Twitch, man, he don’t fuck around. And he ain’t stable, Mack. Like, the dude’s got PTSD or some shit, and he don’t take no kinda medication for it. If you set him off, man, I’m tellin’ you, he _will_ come after you, and once you push him far enough to flip that switch, there ain’t no gettin’ through to ‘em. He ain’t gonna tap out, man. He won’t pull no punches neither, and he _will_ tryta kill yo’ ass.”

 _All the more reason to see if he can even handle the likes of me_ , I thought to myself. _Bet his ass ain’t ever fought nobody just as crazy as he is._

“Won’tchya quit worryin’ about me like some goddamn mother hen and roll a fuckin’ blunt,” I huffed.

“Psh, whatever man, your funeral,” Andy said as he flopped down on the couch.

So we got high. Me, Andy, and Uncle Smoke. Got nice and toasty off that fat fuckin blunt Andy rolled up for us. Chilled for a little while as Andy made some phone calls, hittin’ people up to see if they wanted to get wasted that night. Then I kicked back and watched some tv with Smoke while he went to pick up the kegs for the party. Then about eight o’ clock or so, Smoke got a phone call.

“Hey man, watch the house for me,” he said after he hung up. “I gotta go pick up my other kid.” 

He shuffled around, lookin’ for his keys and shit, and I chuckled.

“Adopted another one, did ya? I swear you pick up kids like strays.”

Smoke laughed a little. “What can I say? I’m a family man. Just who I am.” But he plucked his glasses off his face, wiped ‘em with his t-shirt, and added, “I knew his dad too, way back when. Practically raised him after he passed away. Me an’ his grandma. He’s a good kid. Kinda reminds me of you.”

“So he’s an _asshole_ then,” I surmised, but Smoke just shook his shaggy old head and rolled his eyes at that. “I like him already,” I mumbled as Smoke was leavin’ out the front door.

I waited around for Smoke and Andy to come back, and it was Smoke’s Cavalier that pulled into the gravel driveway first.

Was just about to contemplate gettin’ up and grabbin’ a beer (Which I know was dumb, considering I drove there, but I was only gonna have the one – my ass can only fight so good when I’m wasted, and I didn’t want Twitch to have too much of an advantage) when I heard their voices as they entered the house. 

Heard Smoke saying, “So, Andy’s still on his way with the keg, but there’s a six pack in the fridge, man, help yourself.”

But all other thoughts – of Twitch, the party, hell the whole goddamned world – went clear outta my head the second I heard his voice, and my heart started thumping like crazy in my chest.

“Cool, thanks man,” I heard Lenny say and I bit my lip, _hard_. Goddamn, _Lenny_ was here? Lenny was the guy Smoke was pickin’ up? Lenny fuckin’ Bordeaux? Jesus fuckin’ Christ. I never thought in a million years I’d see _his_ ass that night. But I spotted a shadow move across the hallway floor as he ambled to the kitchen.

Then I heard the fridge open, and next, the clink of a bottle top being popped off on a beer.

Hell, he was just as surprised as I was when he walked in the living room, to see me sittin’ there. 

He froze for a solid five seconds and we stared at each other. 

Goddamn Lenny Bordeaux. The _other_ bane of my existence, and the one guy I ain’t been able to get outta my head these last couple of weeks. He finally snapped out of his trance and sat down across from me on the couch, and then my heart started pounding for a different reason, as a new thought entered my head and I realized somethin’. Justin wasn’t there. He was nowhere in sight.

And he wasn’t standin’ between us now.

I tried to contain my excitement, and hide it behind a mask of indifference while lighting a cigarette, as Len flopped down on the couch and sipped his beer, fuckin’ starin’ at my ass. Smoke eased back into his recliner and pulled the lever to lift the foot rest. Then he reached for his bong next and started stuffin’ weed in it. Goddamn, Len looked good that night. 

He didn’t look to be wearin’ some bullshit Justin made him put on. Looked his usual self, had on a black Slipknot band tee with white lettering under a black button down, left open. Black denim jeans. Vans.

Ball cap backwards on his head, sittin’ over there lookin’ like a fuckin vampire about to drain my ass dry, starin’ at me with just the coldest, most pissed off look, like he was aggravated I was there, and crashin’ his party. I won’t lie, that shit got my blood pumpin’. I loved it when he stared at me like that. Like he could see the demon behind my eyes, and was showin’ me his.

“Here he is, man,” Smoke said to me, proudly pointin’ at Len with a great big smile on his face. “Mack, Lenny. Lenny, meet Mack.” Oh hell. He didn’t know we already knew each other?

“This is your kid?” I asked him, not takin’ my eyes off Len. “This kid right here?”

“Yeah man,” Len answered for him, nodding his head a little as he spoke.

“Yeah, Mack’s like my other kid, man,” Smoke explained to him. “Known him since he was in diapers. Me and his old man used to party together. Guess that kinda makes you brothers and shit. It’s pretty cool, right?”

Oh _hell_ fuckin’ no. No, I did _not_ want to picture the guy I’m tryna fuck bein’ in any way related to me. No thank you, Smoke. That’s a hard pass for me right there.

Across from me, Len snorted and said, “That’s one ugly ass brother,” Just tryin’ to get a rise out of me.

I cracked a grin at that.

(Man I love that smart fuckin’ mouth of his. I can never get enough of it.)

Smoke handed him the bong first, since he was on his left-hand side, and we always follow the rule of passin’ to left in Smoke’s house.

“Man, I know this kid,” I told Smoke, as I watched Len hit the bong. Wonderin’ if he sucked dick like he sucked in that ganja because _goddamn_ could he suck that shit. Like a fuckin’ pro.

“No shit?” Smoke quipped. Len handed the bong to me next.

I nodded. “Yeah. He’s friends with my kid brother.”

“Whoa,” Smoke drawled as I was takin’ a hit. “Small world.”

“Small town,” said Len.

“Yeah, man, really small, huh?” Smoke agreed.

“Man, this town is _too_ fucking small,” he told Smoke.

“But nice and quiet,” I commented, passing Smoke the bong, who just smiled at us both.

Len shifted a little in his spot, then said, smirking, “Smoke, you never told me you hung out with Eddie Macintosh, man. Where’d you find him? At the bottom of a trash can?”

I flicked my tongue against my teeth. “No, no,” I said, shakin’ my head, smile only gettin’ wider. “That’s where he found you, remember? He found me in a back alley behind a bar, fuckin’ dumpster diving an’ shit. But, see, I was a rescue. You?” I snorted, lookin’ him over, like I didn’t find much to admire. “He didn’t even _want_ your ass, man. You were _definitely_ an accident.”

“Yeah, but I was like, abandoned and shit, so my back story is way more tragic than yours,” he said.

“Yeah, that’s true,” I sighed, eyes wandering over him again. “You do look pretty fuckin’ tragic, man.”

“Bro, have you _looked_ in the mirror lately?” he asked. “ _That’s_ tragic.”

Now you’re startin’ to see why I love this man. This shit right here. Oh hell, this was _heaven_ to me. Sittin’ there gettin’ high and bein’ an ass hat with Lenny Bordeaux? Oh this made my fuckin’ night. “One big happy family,” Smoke quipped and Lenny started laughin’. So did I. Man I loved bein’ able to fuck with him like that and see him smiling for a change. He’s a handsome devil when he smiles.

So we hung out for a little while, the three of us, shootin’ the breeze while we waited to for Andy to show up with the kegs.

Every once in a while Len would get up and shuffle to the kitchen to grab another Heineken out of the fridge. I completely forgot for the longest time about my plans to confront Twitch whenever his ass finally decided to show up. Too caught up in just enjoying the fact that I could hang with Lenny without my brother hovering over us like a cluckin’ chicken.

Just how fuckin’ cool it was to sit back and chill with him like this. Felt kinda bad though. If I knew he smoked, we coulda been gettin’ high together a whole helluva lot sooner.

Soon enough, Andy arrived with a handful of people, his girlfriend, Amy, included among ‘em, and we helped him and his friend, Stoney, haul two kegs to the dining room. 

Put a tap on one and the boys started playin’ some beer pong. Nobody made mention of Twitch showin’ up yet, and I started to get the feeling he wasn’t showin’ up after all, and so I just put it out of my mind. As the house started fillin’ with people and became more and more crowded, I started wrackin’ my brain as to how I could get Lenny alone instead. Thinkin’ about what I was gonna say to him.

When he went to the kitchen to swipe the last bottle of Heineken, I finally decided to make my move. Got up off my ass and followed him. Watched him snatch the bottle and the empty box out of the fridge. I was just about to tap him on the shoulder when he turned around and nearly jumped out if his skin to see me standin’ there and I startled him.

“Jesus!” he exclaimed. He huffed a few breaths. “Fucking shit!” Oops. Didn’t mean to give his ass a heart attack. I chuckled a little, feelin’ a bit sheepish for that, and scratched my head.

“My bad, man,” I said, holdin’ up both hands.

He stared at me for a second. “Uh, beer?” he offered, holding up the bottle he hadn’t opened yet. Nah, my ass needed to be sober for this shit.

“I’m good…Uh, can we talk?” I asked, gesturing to the kitchen door that led out onto the back deck surrounding the pool. 

Len slowly nodded his head, then followed me outside, tossing the empty Heineken box as he passed by the trash can. As soon as we stepped outside though, and it was just the two of us, his whole demeanor changed. Suddenly this cocky little shit weren’t so goddamn cocky, but neither did he retreat inward with that blank expression he always wore. 

For a change, he actually looked kinda _nervous_ , which was strange.

He wasn’t twitchin’ or nothin’ – I guessed that beer and weed made him forget all about that shit – but he shifted around like he was uncomfortable and fiddled with the gauge in his ear. I lit a up a smoke and watched him pat down his pockets, realizing he left his own cigarettes inside, so I handed him mine. Watched him take a drag and dammit I forgot what I was gonna say.

So I piped up with, “Sorry for holdin’ out on you all this time, man, I didn’t know you get high.” Just making conversation. He shrugged his shoulder a little and leaned against the deck.

“Nah, it’s all good,” he said. “I didn’t know you did either. Like, I didn’t even know you knew Smoke too.”

“Yeah, I’m like… the _other_ adopted kid,” I said. “Shit, we used to hang out a lot more, but I’ve been all tied up at work, ya know?”

“Yeah, I’m with you there, man.”

It was awful quiet outside. Music was at the front of the house and we were at the back, and without all that noise, all I could hear was the sound of my own heart poundin’ in my ears. Goddamn man. Why didn’t I know what to say to him? Any other time I did. Never had a problem bein’ honest with people before. Why _now_ , all of a sudden?

But how much like a dumbass was I gonna sound if I just looked at him and said, ‘Hey so ya know how ya told me you were queer and you’re datin’ my brother? Well, guess what, I’m gay too, and I’ve kind of been secretly in love with your ass for years. Wanna fuck my brains out?’

I mean Jesus fuckin Christ how dumb does _that_ sound?

I _really_ need to learn how to talk to people.

It’s a wonder I could ever get a man in bed with me.

But meanwhile Len was still actin like I was gonna beat the shit out of him, so I said, “Man, why are you actin’ like you’re scared of me? You’re all jumpy an’ shit. What’s up with that?”

“Uhm, how about the fact that I’m living with your brother and you caught me out here getting drunk and high as fuck?”

“Why would I care?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you might think I’m a bad influence on Justin or something and you’ll try to fuck me up or... something. I mean, you’re cool, man, and I don’t want to piss you off or nothin’.”

Again, why would I care.

“Do you get him high?” I asked, curious.

“What? No. No, man, like… he eats Kashi and fucking chugs pineapple smoothies and shit. He’s on this whole, ‘My body’s a temple’ type shit right now. Like, he doesn’t even drink caffeine.” I scrunched my face up at that. He laughed, saying, “I’m not positive you're related, man. I mean, he’s nothing like you at all. Might need a DNA test. I think your dad got screwed over big time, man.”

“Eh, dad's dead anyhow. Not like he gives a damn.” I puffed on the cigarette in my mouth. “He’s just too much like his mom, man. When dad met her she was wild. Crazy wild. They get divorced, she remarries, and suddenly she’s like a Stepford wife or some shit. I’m tellin’ ya, all that shit comes from the Evans gene pool. They’re all nuts.”

“I believe it,” he huffed.

“So what’s got you all worked up lately?”

He sighed. Then, presumably because his ass was finally somewhat drunk, he unleashed a verbal tidal wave on me. I was _not_ prepared for that shit.

“I’m freaking the fuck out, man,” he admitted, turning away from me to lean over the railing. “I mean this is just fucking _weird_. I never wanted you to know this shit about me, never wanted _anyone_ to know this shit about me, and Justin just outs me anyway. I don’t even have a fucking choice. And I’m fucking pissed. But, like, I want him to be happy.

And I don’t know what to say to him, man. And now he’s talking about telling _everybody_. He talks like it’s a decision we made together, but it’s all him. And I’m man enough to admit this shit scares me. I mean, do you really think I’m going to be welcome anywhere once people know? This is fucking bullshit. It’s _my_ goddamn life.” 

He jerked a thumb at his chest, “And if I want stay in the fucking closet then I should be able to just _stay_ in the fucking closet and mind my own fucking business, because it ain’t _nobody else’s motherfucking business, goddammit._ ”

Well goddamn man.

“It's all good, man, I get it,” I assured him. “But I think you over-analyze shit. It’s the twenty-first century, man, _everybody’s_ queer these days.” Len burst with a laugh at that. “He shouldn’t have done that to you, but... I don’t think anybody’s gonna care man, I think you’re just being paranoid. What do you got to be so scared of, if people know this shit about you? Fuck ‘em, let ‘em think what they want. You said it yourself, it’s _your life_.”

“I just don’t want anything to _change_ ,” he said. “My life is just fine the way it is.” _Oh is it now?_ I thought. _Perfectly fine? Really? Are ya sure?_ “And anybody that don’t like it can go fuck themselves. But it’s the fucking _principal_ of the shit, man. You don’t just out somebody like that, if you ask me. That’s just bullshit.” Oh I agree.

“Yeah, I get it,” I relented, nodding. “Like I said that’s his mom’s influence, man… But really, what’s all that got to do with _me_? I don’t give a fuck what you do. So why’ve you been so jumpy an’ shit around me lately?”

He sighed and flicked his cigarette into the yard.

“It’s not like I have a problem with you, it’s just–Uhm,” He scratched his head, face turning all fuckin’ shades of pink, “I–uh–I just think you’re fuckin’ hot, man,” he confessed, and my heart started pounding again.

Oh.

Oh _shit_.

Oh _shit oh shit oh shit oh shit!_

Oh _hell_ fuckin’ yeah!

“Like, just take it as a compliment, and forget I said anything. I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna hit on–Mph!”

Oh you’re damn _right_ I didn’t let him finish that sentence. Motherfucker just admitted to liking me finally. So you’re damn fuckin’ right I flicked my cigarette next, grabbed that cute fuckin’ face of his and kissed the shit out of him. To hell with my bitch of a fuckin’ brother, man, I’ve wanted to do this shit for years! 

He froze for a second, like his brain couldn’t process the fact that I was kissin’ him, but soon enough he melted like butter in my arms and goddamn he felt so good! Fuck pickin’ a fight with that asshole Twitch tonight. My ass now had better plans.

I was gonna show Len just how the fuck I _really_ felt about his ass, and make him forget my lousy brother ever even existed.

Yeah. That was the plan at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theme: ["45"–Shinedown](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=igWrHJg0kCw&feature=share)
> 
> Want to full playlist? Check out Mack's [Personal Picks](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgsKe1-pKLs-S7S0lZ6j7MzbUR9J2Nk81)!
> 
> Here's the Tumblr: [lennysdiary.tumblr.com](https://lennysdiary.tumblr.com)
> 
> Join the Discord: <https://discord.gg/wVFt8Ke5YN>


	4. Dualism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Len was Twitch. Twitch was Len… Lenny “Twitch” Bordeaux._
> 
> _They were the same goddamn person._
> 
> _Goddamn I’m fuckin’ dumb._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: ["You've Seen The Butcher"–Deftones](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=tfqU-XQmBSE&feature=share)

I knew the moment I touched him what the problem was in his relationship with my brother. Knew the second he admitted to me that he liked me, just why it was that he was so fuckin’ miserable. I mean it really ain’t that hard to figure out, it’s basic mechanics really, Len just wasn’t fuckin’ attracted to him, but got stuck with him ‘cause ain’t nobody more his type ever came along. Just never found nothin’ better. Simple as that.

Thought my ass was straight as a board. That I wasn’t interested. Oh but _fuck yeah_ I am, and I knew that instant just what the fuck he’d been missin’.

I knew what he’d been needin’ all these years.

He’s just been waitin’ for a man like me to come along.

I could tell by the way he touched as we kissed. The way Len snuck his hands up under the beater I was wearin’, moaned in my mouth and ground against me as I pinned him to the banister, that what he was sorely missin’ in his life was a man like me. He didn’t want no prissy little bitch like Justin. Hell, I doubted Justin was even givin’ it to him good, _if_ he was givin’ it to him at all. 

No, what he really truly needed, that he more than likely wasn’t gettin’ from my brother, was a rock hard dick shoved up inside that tight fuckin’ hole to make him come. 

Oh it was written all over ‘em both that they were weren’t compatible, sex wise. So maybe it might throw people off seein’ how fuckin’ homophobic Lenny always acted, like it was a goddamn crime to even be slightly effeminate, that they might not think he’d ever wanna be the bitch in the relationship and ever take it up the ass, and that might have been their problem too. 

Maybe they argued over switchin’ durin’ sex and it put a strain on their relationship. You’d be surprised as to how much sex can actually affect your romantic relationship. But that didn’t mean he didn’t want that shit, just cause he didn’t put it out there for others to see. Didn’t wave that shit in somebody’s face like a big fuckin’ flag. Didn’t make it obvious that he’d rather bottom for a guy instead of always toppin’ all the damn time. 

But I know what you’re thinkin’. That ain’t fair to assume my brother’s the fuckin’ bitch in the bedroom just ‘cause he acts like a bitch everywhere else. But trust me, he is. Takes one to know one, and nothin’ about my brother screams dominant, ‘cept for maybe how fuckin’ controlling he is. But there’s just subtle ways of pickin’ up on that shit that you learn over the years, and that night I learned that the likelihood of me gettin’ to fuck that fine fuckin’ ass of Len’s was one hundred percent. 

We just weren’t gonna do that shit on Smoke’s back deck. At any minute somebody could walk outside and see us, and for all I knew somebody had done peaked out the kitchen window and spotted us makin’ out and shit, so I pulled away and said, “Come on, let’s go inside,” Tuggin’ Len off the banister I had him pinned against. He swiped his beer off the railing and chugged it as he followed me inside, tossing the empty bottle in the trash can. 

I led him across the house, then when no one was lookin’, yanked his ass into the bathroom with me and locked the door behind us. He was just as enthusiastic as me, the second that door closed, and it’s like we picked back up right where we left off on the back deck. For a second I thought he’d just rip my goddamn clothes off and fuck me right there on the bathroom floor, and I can’t say I’d be disappointed with that decision.

I shoved him back against the door and poured everything I had into kissin’ him, because _fuck_ I’ve waited so goddamn long to do this! Part of me didn’t even believe it was happening still, like I might wake up any second in my bed, and find out it was all just a wet dream, but I felt Len get my belt unbuckled, then unzip my jeans and reach in with his hand to wrap it around my dick. 

I groaned at the feel of that hand– _Len’s_ hand–wrappin’ around me and squeezin’ tight. Heard him moan like he just couldn’t fuckin’ wait to have that shit inside him too. Shit, maybe we _were_ gonna fuck right there in the bathroom at Smoke’s house. I’ll tell ya, that bathroom was notorious as a playground for drunk sex over the years, and I can’t count how many times people have hooked up in there. But I will say this was the first time I’d ever done it. 

My ass wouldn’t have been caught dead fuckin’ around with some guy at Smoke’s house. But the way Len was jerkin’ my dick got me all kinds of excited, so I slapped the lid down on the toilet, then flopped down on it, pullin’ him into my lap. I got his pants unbuckled, then unzipped, kissin’ him hard as I reached around and squeezed that ass of his. All the while he kept jerkin’ me off with his hand and I was losin’ my fuckin’ mind over that shit. 

I’ll admit I was impatient, wantin’ to fuck him so bad I wasn’t even thinkin’ of the consequences of any of this shit. Not for us as friends, nor even my brother. Certainly wasn’t thinkin’ of how this might change things. But just when I was gettin’ somewhere, that’s when fuckin’ Andy of all people decided to so rudely interrupt us, poundin’ on the door.

I ignored it at first, thinkin’ maybe whoever it was would just go away after a minute, but then that asshole knocked again, saying, “Hurry the fuck up in there! I gotta take a piss!” And I growled angrily. I finally had what I wanted. I was not about to let Andy ruin this shit for me.

So I pulled away from where I was kissin’ Len to bark, “Fuck off, man! Go outside and find a fuckin’ a tree or somethin’!” 

“Hey fuck you, Mack!” he shouted back, punchin’ the door one last time before I heard footsteps getting quieter as he wandered off. 

Good fuckin’ riddance, man. So I continued where I left off, my mouth back on Lenny’s, and I got this innate desire to bite the shit out of him suddenly. I wanted to see if I was right, if he liked pain like I always suspected he did. Because I mean he certainly seemed to like the rough way I manhandled him, yankin’ his hair and shit, so I pulled away again but this time to bite his neck a little. He fuckin’ _moaned_ at that shit.

Hell fuckin’ yeah, he liked it! Goddamn I wanted to tear into his ass when I heard the sound he made. It was kinda strange when I felt it. It had been so long since I’d felt like that, I almost didn’t recognize it. But like somethin’ just clicked in my brain suddenly, and all was perfectly right and balanced in my world. My teeth sunk harder into his skin, and he made a new sound, somethin’ kind of like a dog whinin’ or whimperin’, and goddamn I loved that sound. 

It appealed to that part of my brain that just wanted to make him suffer, and I reveled in that shit. But he stop jerkin’ me off suddenly and reached up to pull my head back so he could look me in the eye. His own wild with lust, lookin’ down at me like he was crazed or somethin’. Because I drove him that fuckin’ nuts. “How much have you had to drink, man?” he asked me, breathin’ heavily.

“None, why?” I said.

“Because we’re gonna keep getting interrupted, and if you wanna fuck this ass like you own it, we need to go back to your place, and I can’t drive.”

Well goddamn. 

“Alright,” I agreed, maybe just a little too readily, and lifted him off my lap. 

How in the hell could I ever say no to draggin’ Len back to my place to fuck? What am I, crazy? (Don’t answer that) My mind was already makin’ plans as we got situated enough to walk out of the bathroom. He let me leave first so we weren’t walkin’ out at the same time and drawin’ suspicion, but I wasn’t really worried about people seein’ us together. Wasn’t worried about a goddamned thing.

Suddenly, I couldn’t rightly _care_ at that moment. My mind was too focused on gettin’ him home to think about anything else. Because fuck everything else in my life right now.

But I’ll tell ya the _craziest_ shit about that night. Yeah, even crazier than Len admittin’ he liked me and lettin’ me drag him into Smoke’s bathroom to fuck around. Happened right after I left the bathroom, and wandered into the living room to snatch my phone off the coffee table and check my pockets for my keys, cigarettes, lighter and whatnot. 

There was Andy sittin’ on the couch, people cluttering up every corner of the room, drinkin’ and talkin’ while music blasted from the stereo, and Smoke relaxin’ in his recliner still, lookin’ half baked.

I threw on my jacket and said to Smoke, “Hey man, me an’ Lenny are gonna duck out for a while. We’ll be back later, alright?”

He smiled up and me and said, “Alright man, I’ll see you kids later.” 

Old man even winked at me an’ shit, like he knew what was up, and for a split second I wondered if Smoke had done it on purpose, ya know? Invited Lenny to the party ‘cause he knew my ass is queer as a two dollar bill and was tryna set us up with each other or some shit. The devious old fart. But then I heard Andy say somethin’ that I shit you not, nearly stopped my fuckin’ heart. 

As Lenny entered the living room and snatched up his smokes and lighter from the coffee table, he said:

“Yo Twitch!”

_Oh no._

“What?” said _Len_ , in response, and _oh…hell…no_.

 _Nah, he can’t be serious_ , I thought, blinkin’ a few times, tryna dismiss it internally like I misheard shit. But no. No, he was talkin’ to Lenny. Looked him dead in the eye as he said, “Where ya goin’, bro?”

 _Ya gotta be fuckin’ shittin’ me_ , I inwardly groaned. _Oh man am I a dumbass._

“The fuck away from you, shady ass motherfucker,” Len smarted at Andy, chuckling.

Fuckin’ hell.

I mean _goddamn_.

(Were y’all aware of this shit? ‘Cause my ass certainly wasn’t. Genuinely, my ass musta been the dumbest fuckin’ person on the planet right then. No wonder nobody said nothin’ about Twitch showin’ up. He was _already there._ Jesus fuckin’ Christ.)

“Fuck you,” Andy spouted at Len, shakin’ his head at him. 

“Man, your punk ass would probably like that shit,” Lenny quipped. 

Andy rolled his eyes. “Get the fuck outta here with that shit,” he groaned. “Stick around, man. We’re about to toke up.” He held up the blunt he’d just finished rollin’, but Len shook his head.

“I’m good. Catch me next time. Later man.” 

Len turned to me, lookin’ like he was ready to head out, so I did my best to snap myself out of the trance I was in after hearin’ the goddamn motherfuckin’ asshole I’ve been tryna _fuck_ all night is the same goddamn motherfuckin’ asshole I’ve been tryna fight, for I dunno how long. 

I caught the tail end of Andy sayin, “Later Bro!” and Smoke callin’ from his chair, “You kids be good!” But even my response only barely registered, as I wandered out of the house in a fuzzy haze, Len trailin’ behind me, followin’ me to my truck.

Len was Twitch. Twitch was Len… Lenny “Twitch” Bordeaux.

They were the same goddamn person.

God fuckin’ damn I’m dumb.

* * *

I spent the first fifteen minutes of the silent truck ride just tryna figure out how I never realized this shit before. Tryin’ to reconcile the image I’d built up in my mind over the years of that asshole Twitch with that of Leonard Bordeaux, and let me tell ya, it was a struggle. I just couldn’t fathom that shit. I mean it blew my fuckin’ mind. The same guy I’ve wanted to _fuck_ for so long was also the guy I’d wanted to _fight_ for so long. 

_Len_ was the asshole at Andy’s parties always flippin’ out on people and losin’ his shit. 

_Len_ was the fuckin’ psycho all along.

Both men I’ve been inherently obsessed with were actually the _same goddamn person._ But the more I thought about it, the more it actually started to kinda make sense. I mean, both had always attracted me in similar ways, appealed to that same sense of danger that always gets my blood pumpin’. But I kept glancin’ over at Len in the passenger’s seat of my truck and thinkin’, “Nah, it can’t be.” 

Len was and always has been kind of a lightweight. The man’s only like 5’8 and maybe weighs a buck sixty at the most. A fuckin’ feather compared to me.

How in the hell could a little twink like him instill such fear and hesitance in people whenever he was mentioned, right? Because I mean…Well, fuckin’ _look_ at him! Granted, size don’t always matter in a fight, and yeah sure, Andy said he was unstable and shit, but…Oh hell, I woulda killed his ass if we actually fought, wouldn’t I? All it would’ve taken was wrappin’ him up in a quick headlock and squeezin’ ‘til he passed out, to put him down. 

He’d have had to knock me out, right off the bat, if he were to ever stand a chance against me. Provided he even wanted to fight me. I don’t think he would have. Because part of me was convinced that only certain things would ever trigger Len flippin’ out on anyone, otherwise he woulda killed my brother years ago, as much as Justin aggravated him. 

If he really had such a short fuckin’ fuse like that, there had to have been somethin’ to set him off, somethin’ to light that fuse, and for whatever reason, my brother was never it. Justin might complain about a lot of shit, but one thing he never told me was that Lenny ever laid his hands on him. Never hit him. Not once.

And who was to say I would even still want to fight him, the second I found out who he was?

I mean really. My ass has been in love with him since he was like nineteen, man. Could I have even brought myself to swing the first punch?

But all this shit kept swirlin’ around in my head as I drove the back roads into town, Len next to me lookin’ just as content as could be, wasn’t even twitchin’ or nothin’. (Hell, that’s probably where he got his nickname. That fuckin’ leg bouncin’ shit he does.) But then my mind was brought back to the current happenings when I saw him reach up curiously to flip the sun visor down, lookin’ at all the old burnt CDs I had in a case strapped to it. 

Maybe wantin’ to pick out some music, so I flipped the light on for him so he could see better. He browsed the discs for a minute or two, just old stuff I kept to listen to in the truck every once in a while when I didn’t like what was on the radio, and then I heard him gasp a little, like he found somethin’ he didn’t expect to. 

It didn’t surprise me none when he pulled out a Slipknot album I had in there, and popped it in the deck, then fast forwarded to a certain track he wanted to hear. What _did_ surprise me was the song he picked. Hell, it was my favorite one on that album. “Shit,” I cursed, and turned the music up. Goddamn this man was perfect for me. Even liked the same damn songs I did? 

What was the world comin’ to, that it would drop Lenny Fuckin’ Bordeaux of all people in my lap and say, “There’s your soulmate, asshole.” 

I glanced over at him to see that smile of his was back, and he was kicked back in the seat, lightin’ up a cigarette, like not a damned thing was wrong in his mind, and hell that made me happy to see too. Shit, guess it served me just right that Twitch of all people was the sorry son of a gun that was meant for my crazy fuckin’ ass, huh? Served me perfectly fuckin’ right.

So we blasted Slipknot in my truck the whole rest of the drive home, and in my mind I summed the whole night up. I was in love with a crazy fuckin’ asshole that liked hard rock and heavy metal, got fucked up on the weekends and tossed people through windows, and I was starting to get ideas. Starting to wonder a few things. I glanced over at him one last time before I pulled into my driveway, and I thought of somethin’.

 _As fucked up as he is, I’ll bet his ass is into some pretty freaky shit in the bedroom too,_ I remember thinkin’.

Oh hell he really _was_ my type, if that were the case.

I was smiling just thinking about it as I hopped out of the truck and shuffled up the porch steps to my trailer. Of course my dumbass forgot to turn the porch light on before I left, so I fought with my keys in the dark to get my door unlocked. Expected a few smart assed comments about it from Len, but he was completely silent beside me, lookin’ anxious as hell and glancing around the park like he was watchin’ to make sure we weren’t caught.

Like a couple of teenagers breakin’ into somebody’s house. Paranoid as hell maybe. Or just nervous. 

But me? Shit, I was right as rain, and startin’ to feel this odd feeling starting to come over me. The kind of feeling I hadn’t experienced in ages. Suddenly my mind was a fog again and I was only vaguely aware of my actions, as another part of me started to take over. Because that other part of me? Hell, it wanted Len even fiercer than I did, enough that I was really only partly in control of my own actions for a second.

I just let it all happen, didn’t fight it, didn’t try to control it or contain it.

Because I _wanted_ it.

And because _both_ Len _and_ Twitch were gonna get what was comin’ to ‘em tonight.

That other person in the back of my mind started to crawl his way to the surface of my brain and peer out of my eyes, tossed my keys on the table, then peeled my jacket off for me too.

And he said, “So you said somethin’ about fuckin’ that ass like I _own_ the shit, huh?” He turned me around and lifted my shirt up over my head. Then he growled, “Oh that ass is _mine_.”

I got a front row seat to the darker part of my head takin’ Len and shovin’ him up against my door, felt my mouth close around his and kiss the ever lovin’ shit out of him, stakin’ our claim on him, like he truly was ours, and nobody else’s. It was all tongue and teeth for a long minute, before that part of me then lifted him up off the floor and carried him to my bedroom, bumping against furniture in the dark.

Yeah, I told ya I’m fucked up.

See, Lenny ain’t the only one with an alter ego.

My ass has got one too.

And tonight?

I’m finally givin’ into that shit.

And I’m _happily_ lettin’ the Demon out of his cage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theme: ["45"–Shinedown](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=igWrHJg0kCw&feature=share)
> 
> Want to full playlist? Check out Mack's [Personal Picks](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgsKe1-pKLs-S7S0lZ6j7MzbUR9J2Nk81)!
> 
> Here's the Tumblr: [lennysdiary.tumblr.com](https://lennysdiary.tumblr.com)
> 
> Join the Discord: <https://discord.gg/wVFt8Ke5YN>


	5. Demon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Eddie Macintosh is the mask I wear, and the monster is who I really am underneath._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: ["Change (In The House Of Flies)"–Deftones](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=hzRltUL5M3k&feature=share)

I bet the end of that last chapter really fuckin’ confused you, didn’t it?

Yeah, see, I uh, I kind of have sort of an alternate personality? And it rears its ugly head every once in a blue moon, when I’m feelin’ particularly vindictive. It’s not like I’m schizo like my mother–that I’m aware of–but neither was the psychiatrist I spoke to when I was younger so quick to assume it was a split identity, or what they call Dissociative Identity Disorder nowadays. It ain’t like I have blackouts or lapses in memory, nor do I have really strong out of body experiences.

I don’t hear fuckin’ voices tellin’ me shit either. It’s just something I feel sometimes, floating around in the back of my mind, like an entity in my head, watchin’ me. But it is more like a persona that I just assume, connected to the trauma I experienced as a child, at the hands of my mother, rather than a whole other person. I dunno how to explain it really, but I’d say it’s more like the alternate identity a villain assumes when they don their costume and put on their mask.

The person they are in their every day life suddenly doesn’t exist, and they embrace the darker aspects of their personality for a little while, because it’s safer behind that mask, and the fragile person they are underneath is less likely to be hurt. Much like that character they assume, it’s just something that I was able to hide behind, because it made it easier to deal with what my mother turned me into, rather than face that shit head on. 

Was easier to bury that part of myself in the back of my mind, and pretend it was someone else, not me, pullin’ the strings. 

My doctor said more than likely the delusion manifested in the first place due to trauma, and just like dissociation, is a coping mechanism typically triggered by stress, or strong feelings of some kind. But medication of any kind doesn’t help me. If anything, it makes shit worse, because I struggle to function, to even so much as do basic things like eat or bathe. (Sometimes I still struggle with that shit though, just ‘cause I really don’t think about it. My life is work and sleep and little else.)

But I call this alternate me the “Demon”, for obvious reasons. It’s the part of me my father tried so painstakingly to beat out of me as a kid, the part of me I try so hard to suppress on a daily basis, and the part of me so few understand. The part of me I have to keep bottled up inside until times like then, with Twitch, when I could let it go. When I could let it flow out of me like an exhale of breath and watch it take over. But it’s frightening sometimes, because I’m not Eddie when the demon takes over.

See, when I said it was like a bad guy puttin’ on a mask, I didn’t mean the fucker wearin’ the mask was me.

Nah, it’s always been the other way around, actually.

Eddie Macintosh is the mask I wear, and the monster is who I really am underneath.

And that night, the mask had come off, and the Demon wore my face again.

* * *

I took Len back to the bedroom, flipped on the light, then tossed him on the bed, watchin’ him bounce. He grinned from ear to ear and the lust in his eyes alone was enough to get me rock hard and anxious to fuck. I didn’t wanna take my time, I didn’t wanna take things slow, because that’s not the Demon. That’s Eddie Macintosh that’s so deeply in love with Lenny Bordeaux. But the Demon? Nah he’s a different breed. He’s the asshole that wants to tear into skin with teeth and nails like the claws of a beast.

But Len gazed up at me like a god he wanted to drop to his knees and worship as I pulled my wallet from my back pocket and reached for the condom I’d stuffed inside it. Hastily shrugged out of his clothes like he just couldn’t get naked fast enough, and soon, before my eyes was the body I’d been dreamin’ about getting’ my hands on for I dunno how long. My eyes wandered over him as I tore the package open with my teeth. Yeah, I was gonna fuck this boy’s brains out hard that night.

He was everything I imagined, but also a bit more than what I pictured, and I don’t know why in the hell I thought it was so fuckin’ funny, but did you know he’s got pink flowers tattooed under his arm? Yeah I never knew that shit. I kinda liked it though. It was kinda cute, ya know, to think maybe he had a little bit of a softness underneath all that cold, emotionless exterior. That such a hard ass like Len might secretly like all this girly shit, it was kinda funny to me.

 _Damn, I bet I could make him whine like a bitch too_ , I thought. _Whine and cry and fuckin’ beg for that shit._

Then I heard him ask, “How do you want me?” As I was slippin’ the condom on, and his voice even sounded kinda sultry just then. I had never heard Len talk like that before, only in my wildest dreams, and I fuckin’ loved hearin’ that tone of voice drip from that mouth.

“On your knees,” I heard myself say and he smirked.

It was like he knew just then, knew exactly what I planned to do to him, and wanted that shit more than I did. He gasped when I snatched him up and flipped him over, backin’ that ass up against me and grindin’ against my dick like a bitch in heat and I was all over that shit. But I made my first mistake when I gripped him tightly and just shoved deep inside him without any kinda warnin’ whatsoever, let alone did I take any kind of time preppin’ him first.

I wanted to fuck him so bad I just dove right the fuck in, didn’t I? And man did he scream at that shit, in so much pain he was shaking like a leaf, his whole body, from head to toe, and I could bet his face was just as red as a cherry too. I was so into it though. I damn near came just then, just from hearin’ that sound he made, so high pitched, and the way he struggled to get away. I just couldn’t help myself, and so I just kept goin’, til I was all the way in.

But a part of me had enough sense to ask, “You alright?” Thinkin’ I might have taken it a little too far and misread everything up until that point. 

“Yeah, it’s just been a while,” he chuckled, gasping for air.

“I can tell,” I said. I could feel how fuckin’ tight he was, and how much of a struggle it seemed to be for him to cope with bein’ stretched that wide open so fuckin’ fast. To take the length and breadth of me inside him. Hell, he wasn’t gettin’ fucked at all at home, was he? Fuck, I shoulda snatched his ass up a whole helluva a lot sooner. I was grindin’ my teeth for a second, wantin’ so badly just ta shove him into my pillow and hate fuck his ass, but to be considerate I asked, “You wanna go slow?”

‘Cause I’ve got all the time in the world.

But you know what this punk said to me?

Yeah. That motherfucker laughed, and told me, “Oh fuck no. Fuck me as hard as you want.”

Jesus fuckin’ Christ, it was like he was _made_ for me.

My heart was a war drum for a second, bangin’ against my rib cage, and I laughed. He really truly was meant for me, I was convinced. Just as fucked up as I am, and I didn’t think it was possible, but I fell even more in love with him by the second. I reached to snatch him up by the hair and yank his head back, hearin’ another gasp, and then a groan in pleasure when I leaned in close and growled, “You want me to make you cry like a little bitch tonight, don’t you?”

“Oh fuck yes,” he sighed.

Oh _hell_ yeah.

This motherfucker was _born_ for me.

But I really didn’t have anywhere I needed to be, and neither did he, as far as I knew, so I made the split decision right then and there to make it last for a little while. I’d give him everything he needed, and take everything I wanted, but maybe I’d take my time with that shit after all. I had a few fantasies in my head I wanted to see if I could make a reality. I also had a bit of a score to settle with “Twitch”, so I was gonna torture his ass for a little while first.

So maybe I wasn’t gonna fight him in the streets, but I was damn sure gonna wreck that ass between the sheets.

So I pulled him back against me and wrapped my arms around him, partly so he couldn’t get away, and partly just to enjoy the feel of holdin’ him close, feel his pulse racing when I pressed my lips to his fiery skin and then I murmured, “We’ll get there,” Then I started fuckin’ him slowly. Goddamn he felt so good! And if I could, I would’ve just kept him like that for days on end, wrapped up tight, fucked so good and deep, until I just couldn’t keep it up anymore.

I wanted to test him though, see just how riled up I could get him, see if I could get him to fight me a little, so I did the one thing I knew would piss him off more than anything. I clamped my teeth over that shining black acrylic gauge in his ear and tugged on that shit. I knew the man couldn’t stand that shit, for anything to touch his ears, and I felt him freeze as soon as I did it. My heart pounded again for a second, anticipating the worst, and I’ll tell ya, it was one helluva thrill ride for a second.

Truly, I expected him to snap and go off on me. 

He didn’t, but he was pissed. Though I looked down over his shoulder and saw he was rock hard too. It was turnin’ him on, the way I had him pinned up against me. I wondered for a second if he might like bein’ tied up. I was tempted to lay him down and secure his hands behind his back with my belt while I fucked him. Goddamn I wanted to do so many things to this man! But I took my time, drove him crazy, fuckin’ just as slowly and deeply as possible.

I wanted to see how long he’d last before he was beggin’ me to let him come. He gripped me tightly too, fingers digging into my forearms, shaking still like he might just shatter into piece if not for me holdin’ him together. Grinnin’ against me and moanin’ like crazy. I probably could be gotten him off like that, just with the angle I was fuckin’ him, but I didn’t want him to come yet. Just get him close. Get almost there, right on that edge. I loved that shit.

So I tortured him with one hand, reachin’ down to play with his nutsack, rollin’ each testicle in my hand, feelin’ ‘em draw up inside as he got closer and closer. His moans got higher and higher in pitch too and all the sounds he made were startin’ to make it difficult to keep a slow pace. Drivin’ me crazy, bringin’ me closet to comin’ too (despite the fact that I wasn’t causin’ him pain, which was just fuckin’ crazy, because that had never happened to me before) so I stopped, and I squeezed his nuts _hard_.

He cried out again, but this time from the near crippling pain of sudden denial of orgasm, and I reveled in that shit. It also gave me a moment to catch my breath. I started keepin’ county of how many times that hour I could keep him close to that edge, which was a lot, but not once did he give in. He’d fight me a little, try to wrench an arm free or elbow me in the side, which made me laugh, because he just wasn’t strong enough to escape me.

And, the Demon that wore Mack’s face, had never felt more powerful. To have exactly what I wanted, exactly the man I wanted, and to have him completely at my mercy like that. But he tortured me too. Found little ways to get back at me and drive me nuts. Like reachin’ up and tanglin’ his fingers in my hair and squeezin’, ballin’ his hand into a fist. It made me wanna touch him all over, suck and nibble on his neck, fuck him harder, faster, until finally I bit his neck, and asked, “You wanna come, baby?”

He gave a helpless little moan and mumbled, “Yeah?”

Oh, but that wasn’t quite the response I was lookin’ for, so I stopped, and denied him again, makin’ him whine at me like a poutin’ little two year old. “Then ask me nicely,” I growled, keepin’ a firm grip on his balls now, to keep him from comin’. A few hard thrusts into him like that had tears wellin’ up in his eyes, and goddamn, he really was gonna cry. My heart was in my ears when I caught a glimpse of those eyes shinin’ and squeezin’ shut, face scrunchin’ up in excruciating pain.

But he wouldn’t say a word at first. So fuckin’ stubborn. It took damned near another twenty minutes of fuckin’ him like that, of pushin’ him to the edge and almost makin’ him come, but then stoppin’, before finally I heard him say, raggedly, “Please let me come,” when he just couldn’t take it anymore. My head was in a weird rush when I heard it. It sounded so much like my dreams but better, that I just wanted to hear it again and again. Over and over.

“Again,” I demanded, harshly. He growled back at me, makin’ me grin from ear to ear. “Come on baby,” I coaxed. “Like you mean it. Beg for that shit.”

“Please,” he choked out, like I was killin’ him, then winced when again I denied him and all but stopped thrusting entirely.

“Again,” I repeated.

“Please, baby,” he whined.

My eyes fell shut at that sound. I wanted to record it and play it on repeat for hours. Damn I loved it.

“Mmm, one more time,” I said, almost beggin’ myself, and he pouted at me.

Oh but he knew all along just how to get to me. He knew the whole time, but he was just playin’ my game because he liked it. He knew what would make me give in and give him whatever he fuckin’ wanted, because he turned his head, pet my neck and softly whimpered in my ear, “Come on, baby, let me come,” and even nibbled on my ear, tongue briefly lapping at my earlobe and I liked that shit. I moaned at that, most _definitely_ liking that. “Please? Let me come on that dick.”

(Oh hell it’s no wonder I wanna give in to this man all the damned time and buy him whatever he wants. Motherfucker’s got me wrapped around his pinky finger with that soft, sweet little voice. _Fuck.)_

At that second, all I wanted was to make him come, I couldn’t really help it. He was just so much on my level, knowing exactly how to drive me crazy and was everything I’d ever hoped for, that I couldn’t really imagine doin’ anything except whatever the fuck he told me to do. He could’ve told me to take a swan dive off the New River Gorge bridge and I woulda done that shit, hearin’ that voice. But ever the cocky asshole that I am, I smirked and said, “That’s more like it.”

I kissed him fiercely, then I let him go, let him drop to the bed on his forearms, and he wobbled a little, before adjusting his position and settling more comfortably on the bed. Ass in the air, and damn that was fine sight to see. I couldn’t help but just watch my dick slide in and out of that hole for a second or two, and yeah. Yeah that ass was mine. The whole thing. All of him was mine. I believed that with all my dark, sinful heart, that Len was meant for me.

This fucked up bastard was the one I belonged with.

Eventually I picked up the pace and fucked him hard. Then I grabbed the back of his head, tugging on his hair. He loved that shit. “Mmm, you want it like that?” I asked.

He moaned his enthusiasm before sayin’, “Oh fuck yeah, just like that,” lust drippin’ with every syllable. Every muscle in his body became more and more tense and honestly, I didn’t even need to reach around and grab his dick. He didn’t need it. I forget him so fuckin’ crazy that just a few more shallow thrusts was all it took to make him come, screaming when he did. Almost like he was in pain. That was just how intense it was. 

I seriously hoped to hell my neighbors didn’t call the cops on me, thinkin’ I was killin’ somebody.

“Fucking shit!” Len cursed, the whole of him shakin’ even more violently now and just the sheer intensity of that moment, of seein’ him trembling, damn near crying, it set me off again. Instinct took over when I shoved him down into the mattress and fucked him as hard as I could. He never told me to stop, but he started clawin’ at the sheets, like he was tryin’ to get away from me or somethin’ and just that sight… of Len torn to absolute shreds, moanin’ and sobbin’…

I’d never come so hard in my life.

But… Now that I’d almost quite literally exorcised that demon from me via ejaculation, I felt… different. Usually after sex I’d just pull out, maybe offer whoever I’m with somethin’ clean themselves up with, maybe even assist in the task, but that would be it, you know? I didn’t care about that person, and most usually I didn’t even really enjoy their company. They were just a stand in for who I really wanted, but now… Somethin’ about seein’ Len like that.

Exhausted, shaking, panting and whimpering, havin’ been fucked to oblivion, and my mind was just blown. The Eddie Macintosh that loved him to absolute pieces came back and laid down on top of him. I scooped him into my arms and held him right, fingers brushing his skin, kissin’ him any place I could reach, because he was just so perfect and felt so good, so right, and I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Move him in my house, hell, maybe even marry his ass if he’d let me.

But I just turned into a complete pile of mush for a minute or two and snuggled as close as I could, wishin’ I could live in that space with Len like that forever. I wanted to hold him and love him and never let him go. I wanted to take care of him, give him everything he could ever need and want, wrap him up in blankets, in my arms, spoon feed him breakfast in bed and that kind of shit. Spoil the hell out of him. I sighed into his neck, lost in that euphoria for a time. But he was still shaken up by the whole experience.

“You alright?” I murmured, and he nodded. “Good?”

“Oh, hell yes,” he chuckled, and I squeezed him even tighter.

He shifted around, getting more comfortable, and we stayed like that for a little longer, at least until I started goin’ down, and had the worry of the condom maybe gettin’ lost inside him, ‘cause I’d yet to pull out. “Goddamn,” I sighed, chuckling. “If I knew all this time it would be like that, I’d have snatched your ass up a lot sooner.”

He laughed at that, and hummed his agreement.

“Where the fuck have you been all my life,” he sighed at me, and I snorted. At that moment, I knew I had to let go of him, so I propped myself up and started pullin’ out. 

“Waitin’ on you, man,” I told him, smiling. 

And that’s all I’d ever waited for. 

“I think I need a safeword to fuck around with you,” he chuckled as I flopped down next to him for a second. “No lie, if I had known you were willing to go that fucking far with shit, man, I would’ve said something sooner. Next time maybe warn me though?” I bit my lip. Yeah, that would’ve been better huh? Probably should’ve talked about it more. That’s the proper thing to do. But I certainly didn’t hear him complaining. 

“Yeah that might be a good idea,” I said. Because next time I might have wanted to try some shit with him that he might not be okay with, or maybe think he was fine with, but change his mind about. _A safe word, though?_ I wondered. _Would he ever really need to use one with me? Because if he told me to stop, I definitely would, unless…_ I pushed the thought from my head. I knew better than to think Len would ever be okay with the kinds of things I was thinkin’ just then.

Told myself it was fucked up and wrong to think like that, so I shoved the thoughts away, mentally.

Needin’ the distraction, I busied myself with getting us both cleaned up for a minute, hearin’ him mumble, “Sorry about the mess,” because he got cum all over my sheets, but fuck if I could care. I liked it. Liked the idea of havin’ evidence in my bed that Len was there, that what happened wasn’t a dream, and I really did fuck his brains out just now. I leaned back against the wall behind me, as Len sprawled across the bed next to me, but then this little shit had the audacity to slap me for no goddamned reason.

“What the fuck, man?” I taped at him, grabbing my stinging arm.

“You’re gay?!” he snapped, and I sighed, then shook my head.

“You mean to tell me you never picked up on that shit?”

“Yeah, no?!”

“Hmph,” I huffed. That explained alot. “Well, shit. I’ve known you wanted to fuck me since we met,” I told him. His eyes widened. I chuckled. “Oh you couldn’t make that shit more obvious to me,” I teased him. “I don’t think anybody else ever picked up on it, but I knew.” He flopped back down dramatically. With this look on his face like he was saying, ‘You gotta be fucking kidding me’. Then he just stared up at me. Like he couldn’t believe that shit.

“Man, why didn’t you say anything?” he asked. “I thought you’d kick my ass if you knew I liked you!”

I looked him up and down, my eyes wandering over that beautiful body I fucked just now. “Oh, I wanted to do somethin’ to that ass, alright.” I grinned at him, but just got a contemptuous scowl in return. “So what are the flowers for?” I asked, changing the subject and pointing to the tattoo of pink carnations I was entirely too curious about. He looked down at it, lifting his arm.

“Oh, yeah, they were my grandma’s favorite.”

Oh. Alright, yeah that made perfect sense. Len was always close to his grandmother. Brenda Marks. She raised him after his parents died when he was little. Two or three years old, he’d said. She died of cancer not long after my brother and I lost Eddie Sr. I remembered the funeral. Len was… well, let’s just say he didn’t take it too well. He showed up and paid his respects, but he didn’t talk to anyone. Spent most of the afternoon sittin’ outside, smokin’, unable to bring himself to even go in the funeral home.

Can’t say I blame him. I didn’t deal with losin’ my father all that well either. “You still miss her?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Every day. Man, she was great. One of those sweet little old ladies that would bake you cookies and shit like that. She was always doing church stuff, but she was like… the real deal, man. Not one of those Sunday Christians, you know? One of those types that would give you the shirt off her back, the food off her plate. Like, the whole treat others how you want to be treated kind of person. She used to volunteer at the soup kitchen before she got too sick to do it.”

I smiled at all that. “She sounds pretty nice.”

He smiled back, eyes lit up brighter than the neon lights in Vegas.

So bright you could see it from space and damn, it was beautiful.

My heart pounded again, seein’ that. 

Goddamn I just…

I just never wanted this night to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theme: ["45"–Shinedown](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=igWrHJg0kCw&feature=share)
> 
> Want to full playlist? Check out Mack's [Personal Picks](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgsKe1-pKLs-S7S0lZ6j7MzbUR9J2Nk81)!
> 
> Here's the Tumblr: [lennysdiary.tumblr.com](https://lennysdiary.tumblr.com)
> 
> Join the Discord: <https://discord.gg/wVFt8Ke5YN>


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